Stick a fork in us...we are DEFINITELY done!!!! (we think!!!)

We think we've finally decided that we are DEFINITELY done having babies. We've been deciding this for quite some time now. It's been quite difficult for me to finally, officially make the decision that we're DONE. When we decided to have children it was really a no brainer. We loved each other and wanted to have kiddos and I was having problems that the dr. said would cause me to have difficulty getting pregnant so we just decided 6 months into our marriage that we'd leave it up to the Lord and when he saw fit to bless us with a child we'd be super happy!!! 6 years, 3 miscarriages, trillions of tears, many blessings and prayers later...our little Zackary was born. I will never forget the joy I felt as I held him in my arms in the hospital room when they brought him to me after they cleaned him up and Brian had gone home for some zzzzs after a very looooonnnggg day and night. It was just me and him. He was kind of funny looking with his cone shaped head but he was mine and of course I thought he was the most beautiful baby EVER!!! I remember counting his fingers and toes and praying and thanking my Heavenly Father for sending this precious baby to me. It was a beautiful moment I will always cherish. Each of our children have been such a blessing to us. I didn't expect to have my first baby at the age of 27, #2 at 30, #3 at 33, and my 4th at 36. The older I am the HARDER the pregnancy. My first and second pregnanies were great! Especially the second. The delivery and recovery were even great for me physically. Emotionally it was the hardest since Matty had to be resussitated when he finally was out of me and that scared us to death! He was the dreamiest baby and I think part of it was that I was so much more relaxed with him. I had done this before and Zack was still alive so I must not be too bad at this. I could do it again. Well, my pregnancy with Max was a little more difficult. I was EXHAUSTED beyond anything I had ever felt before! I was also older and I could tell! I felt more queezy too and just not so hot. I was POSITIVE he was a girl because my pregnancy was so much different than it had been before and I actually felt worse than I had before. I never felt 100% with my pregnancies but I never was very sick at all. Never threw up except the occasional gag from my tooth brush. With him I felt a little rougher. I thought each of my boys was kind of difficult to keep up with until I had Max. Well, I still can't decide if it was just Max or the combination of Max and Matthew. There came a time when I felt strongly I should just stop preventing pregnancy again and leave it up to the Lord again but I was TERRIFIED because I didn't know how I would ever handle another baby since the destruction and craziness of Max and Matthew were about to kill me off. After a while I was sad that we hadn't had a baby yet and then we went somewhere I can't remember where. We didn't need a stroller or a diaper bag. The kids were at great ages. I decided maybe I didn't want to have another baby after all so I took all the clothes and garb to D.I. and figured we would make things permanent and we could move on with our lives and it was going to be great! The next month I found out I was pregant with Gracie. First, I was SCARED to death!!! Then, I was sick as a dog. I lived the next 4 months in a constant state of nausea. I felt like I was car sick and had a stomach virus. You know the feeling where if you just hold still enough you don't feel like you are going to lose your lunch but any movement makes you feel like you are just going to lose it! Well,the only problem with that was I had 3 other children to take care of and that was pretty rough. I am such a wimp. I kept thinking of women I know like Tara, Cassie, Anna, and Heidi who get so incredibly sick it isn't even funny. I had been so blessed with my previous pregnancies. I just KNEW this time it was a girl because I had truly NEVER felt like this and people said that was usually a sign that it was the opposite sex of what you already had. Surprisingly I only threw up 5 times the whole time but I WISHED I could throw up and feel better the rest of the time. Packing the kids in the car to take Zack to school and pick him up and to take Matty to preschool and pick him up and grocery shopping and every other thing that required a drive in the car felt like a nightmare! Carsick on top of carsick was NOT fun! Doing dishes or any household task became increasingly difficult. I only bathed the kids when I couldn't remember how long it had been since they had had a bath. I know...terrible!!! It was a horrible 4 months!!! Then once I felt better I experienced so many ups and downs wondering if I could REALLY do this again! And with a GIRL!!! I didn't know anything about girls. Well, sure, I was one but I'd been the mom of boys for 9 years and knew NOTHING about girls anymore! The maternity books call it "misgivings". I call it SCARED TO DEATH!!!! The MOMENT they handed me my sweet little Gracie Sue all of the worries and fears and "misgivings" went away. I could do it! She was the sweetest baby! She has adored me from day one and I have adored her right back along with each member of our family! She is a total mama's girl. She's turning into quite the little daddy's girl, too! The minute she hears his voice when he comes home for lunch and after work she crawls to where ever he is as fast as she can. She flirts with him and smiles the sweetest smile at him. One day she had a dress on and got stuck and just sat there staring at him making this funny noise to get his attention until he came and picked her up and then she just SMILED at him! She LOVES him so much! Of course she has him wrapped around her little finger! He's always been such a wonderful father and has always loved his kids so much. They have all thought he was the greatest! It has been such a beautiful thing to watch! Our whole little family is absolutely SMITTEN with Gracie and we can't imagine life without her! Heavenly Father knew we needed her! She brings us so much joy and I just can't tell you how grateful I am that she is a part of our family. By the end of the pregnancy I was POSITIVE we were done making people. This factory was shutting down! I NEVER wanted to feel like that again! I was having such a hard time breathing and I had several panic attacks because I couldn't breathe. I also started feeling sick again during the last month. I told Brian I wanted him to do something permanent because I NEVER wanted to feel that way again and I NEVER wanted to FORGET how horrible I felt and do it again!!! Well, Gracie has been such a wonderful baby that I just kind of forget sometimes and think about how wonderful it would be to bring another precious child into the world. The hard part is that EVERYONE in the family suffers when mom can't function fully for 4 months straight. Things slip and we are STILL trying to get back to normal. Gracie has been a wonderful baby...as long as I am holding her CONSTANTLY since the day she was born!!! But if I'm holding her I don't have to be doing anything special like bouncing, playing, walking...just holding. I have had to cook many meals while holding her. I've loaded and unloaded the dishwasher many times while holding her. She eats well. She sleeps well. She is super easy to keep happy. All she needs is ME!!! As wonderful as that is it hinders my ability to keep up with my duties as a mother and housewife. It takes a lot out of everyone to have another baby. But all that said. Are we done?! It sounds like it would be the easiest decision to come to EVER! But it isn't! Are there any other babies in Heaven that are meant to be part of our family forever. It's a big decision to make! It's one of the most important decisions we'll ever make. We need to KNOW! You know! If we KNOW then we can officially decide and proceed in whatever direction that decision takes us. We need to earnestly pray about it, I know! But I'm afraid of the answer! I'm afraid of EITHER answer!!! I don't think I want to do this whole thing again but I also don't know if I'm ready for this part of my life to be finished. I LOVE my kids so much! I love each of their personalities and I love the beautiful parts of the whole process of bringing new lives into the world. If I could GUARANTEE that the pregnancy would be just like my pregnancy with Matthew minus the scary parts, of course, then I would do it 10 more times. Unfortunately there are NO guarantees! Once you KNOW do you ever have regrets about the decision? If you have had this experience where you KNEW that you were done and you stopped please tell me your feelings about it. Maybe it will help me out! I'm afraid we'll make a permanent decision and later regret it! UGGHH!!