Welllllll....

I went to that Dr's appointment. The first lady that came in acted like I didn't even have TN and was trying to diagnose me. I was like I know what I have I just need further treatment...HELLO MCFLY!!! So she finally got her superior who knew a lot about TN and she came in and was like yes, I totally think you have TN. She said that she thinks I should just keep trying to find the right medicine and the right dose for me and if I ever get to the point where I don't get relief from medication anymore then I should consider surgery but otherwise it should absolutely be a last resort. She said that she understands my desire to get off of my medications and not have to take them forever but since TN can go into remission and since I am much younger that most people with it I should just patiently wait it out. Most people who get it are in their 60's or 70's but you can get it at any age. She said the surgical treatments are fairly new and they can be scary. They can cause you to have even more problems than you already had in the first place. Or the problem can happen all over again. I have heard some real horror stories so I suppose it is best to not have surgery. BUT since November, when I FINALLY had a diagnosis from 3 different doctors and I started researching treatments and stuff I have just been dealing with the pain the best I could knowing that there was an end in sight. I just KNEW that I would go to this appointment that I have been on the waiting list for all of this time and they would tell me which of the procedures they thought would work best for me, I would have it done and then I would be all better. I could be the mom and wife I really want to be again. So today I have been very upset. I just can't help it. Now that I don't have an end in sight, no motivating factor, what do I do. Am I strong enough to endure this crap? It seriously sucks! I don't want to have Trigeminal Neuralgia!!! I just want it to go away! I don't want it to continue robbing me and my family of ME!!!! I know that this stupid thing gets progressively worse and I am really scared about that. The fact that they call it "The Suicide Disease" because it just gets so horrid that you just can't take it anymore terrifies me. I have tried so hard to be as positive as possible. People are always surprised when they find out what I have because I try so hard to not let it show. But right now I just want a whole day of just staying in bed, just sleeping and crying and wallowing in self pity. Just accepting it fully as something I will have to endure the rest of my life and trying to get all the negative feelings out. Then the next day I can just get out of bed, dust myself off and go forward. But instead I have to just keep going and that really sucks. No wallowing in self pity for me. Ok, so I am still wallowing today but I just can't do it while laying in bed. :) I get to do it while I clean the house. Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully I have a new attitude because today's attitude really bites!!!