Well, it's done...

I had that Essure procedure done Tuesday. No more babies.  :(   :)   Can't decide whether I'm happy or sad. I always wanted 5 or 6 kids but we couldn't have kids for like ever and now I have this stupid nerve pain crap that makes it impossible to imagine being pregnant again or caring for a newborn baby again and I live in constant fear of getting pregnant again under the current circumstances but still...I'm kind of sad. I officially can't EVER bring another life into this world. No more kicks. No more exciting ultasounds. No more teeny tiny clothes. There are a million negatives and a million positives. I am INCREDIBLY grateful for the 4 beautiful children we have been blessed with and thank my Heavenly Father every day for being blessed with the divine gift of motherhood. I'm totally feeling like it is the right decision for us. For me. The procedure only lasted about 5 to 10 minutes. It went super well. I watched the whole thing on a little screen and it was rather interesting. You could see the entrance to the one tube just as clear as day but the other one was covered with endometriosis which made it rather hard to find and then he had to put it through the endometrioses. I've had a lot more pain on that side than the other but the pain still hasn't been too horrible or anything. It's been a great way to go about this whole thing and I would definitely suggest it to anyone! Especially if you have Dr. Thorpe in Provo do it because he was AMAZING through the whole thing! He totally redeemed himself in my eyes! He delivered Zack and it didn't go so well and if I could have kicked him I would have but I couldn't feel my leg because of the epidural :) But after this whole experience I say he's WONDERFUL!!! I am glad it's all over now. Just 3 months until I have an xray with dye in me to make sure they are completely closed off and then it will truly be OVER!!! I'm blessed and grateful and everything but still...I'm a woman...and sometimes women can feel happy and sad at the same time and that's ok. For 16 years becoming a mother has been a BIG part of my life and thinking. Each child took time to come to our family and there were lots of hoping, praying, begging, pleading, etc. It's just kind of strange to think it's over. That that part of my life as a woman is over. That my mind has to switch. That we are entering a new chapter of our lives. I'm sure it will be a wonderful chapter as well, it's just going to take me a while to wrap my mind around it and accept the new realities of my life.